Leaders create leaders

"Leaders don't create followers. They create more leaders." Tom Peters.

Last century, leaders controlled the people they led, using fear and manipulation, with the goal being to create as many loyal followers as possible. This century, leaders are creating new leaders, with the goal of empowering people.

It is our job to contribute to the leadership of the people around us, because by doing so, our impact on the world is amplified 1000 times. Every leader I create will create leaders who will create leaders, etc. As a result, the effect I can have on the world is unlimited.

Whose leadership are you developing right now? How many leaders can you create before you die?

Euphoria, as created by 25 ordinary people

I felt love and appreciation tonight from a group of people that was intense and euphoric! To the August 2010 LifeStream Advanced class... You guys really do raise me up. And I am clear that I raise you up. Tonight was nirvana in a living room. 25 people connecting deeply on the basis of love, respect and connection. This is how life is meant to be!

Long Slow Deep Breaths

Most of us agree that being calm, relaxed & centered is a very good thing: Lower stress, getting along better w/ others, feeling better about ourselves, finding a creative solution. But how do we get that sense of calm in the middle of a hectic day? Breathe... Just breathe... 5 long, slow deep breaths takes less than a minute and leaves us in a much better place.Try it right now. You will be amazed how well it works.

Love-based Teamwork

Love-based teamwork: Today my staff was in major disagreement about a very important strategic decision. People stayed calm, showed respect, avoided getting personal, listened hard, worked to see things through others’ eyes, spoke their truth, came from learning, did not attack or manipulate, and created a followup plan with the goal of consensus or “disagree and commit” regarding whatever decision gets made. Are you willing to do this the next time you are in a conflict situation?

Honey or Vinegar?

Grandma always said that "you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar". Yet we humans so often put out vinegar instead of honey, especially to those we love: Yelling, ignoring, fleeing, lying, withholding, etc. We know we hate vinegar, yet we serve it to our friends, family and colleagues. Who can you start giving honey to instead of vinegar? Who can you give love to right now, even if they are giving you grief?

Back seat drivers

Back seat drivers annoy me to death and cause me great stress. Today I reacted badly to a back seat driver. And yelled at the person to stop. That person shut down for an hour or two. I felt bad. And then it hit me... I am in charge of whether or not I react to back seat driving, and whether or not I allow it to annoy me. So I have decided that I am no longer going to be annoyed by it, and I am no longer going to react to it. Because jumping down the other person's throat doesn't serve me or them.

Looking for love in all the wrong places

We humans go crazy when we feel unloved, especially if we lack self-love, which most of us do. Lacking self-love, we look to others for the love that we need to validate ourselves.

In other words, Who We Are is dependent on getting love from others, so if the perceived love from others decreases, that means the loss of our identity, which turns us into fearful monsters who lash out or retreat in destructive ways.

Until we learn how to produce our own self-love, we are dependent on others for our sense of identity. That is why it is so important for us to love ourselves, and to give love to others.

Who is acting badly right now because you are not feeding them the love they crave? Whose love are you addicted to in order to maintain your sense of self?

What makes my life work?

I made myself work out this morning. I didn't feel like it. I was tired,
after two short nights. But I made myself go, like many mornings, & left the gym feeling great, happy that I kept my promise to myself. The key to life: Making commitments and then keeping them no matter what.

My life works in direct proportion to the commitments I make and keep.
What commitment are you going to keep today, no matter what?

Oneness instead of Separation

What if there is no such thing as separation between you and me. What if we all belong to a collective consciousness? A collective Oneness, if you will. If that is true, then if I hurt you, I am hurting all of us. And if I get angry at you, I am damaging our collective oneness. How can I have enemies if I am one with them?

When a colleague does something that makes me sad or mad, I can choose to forgive him and work with him anyway, because I know that if I move him forward, I will be moving the collective oneness forward as fast as possible. If we are all one, then there is no room for anger, revenge, frustration, disappointment, sabotage. Because those things all damage our collective oneness.

It is only through love and cooperation and harmony and forgiveness that I can move our collective consciousness forward. Who are you having issues with because you are viewing them as separate from you? And what would your relationship with that person look like if you chose to view them as part of you, and treated them accordingly?

Does your past own your future?

From my good friend and LifeStream Basic, Advanced(IPI) and LeaderShape grad Taylor Camp, a young man who is so much wiser than his years:

“You can't let what happened affect what happens. You can’t play a hand based on how you lost the last one. You can't live life in fear of what happened yesterday, last week or last year. The past & future are only as interconnected as you let them be.”

Amen! In what ways you are letting the past interconnect (and mess up) your future?

Can I be great during a slump?

I am in a major slump. Not able to generate any enthusiasm. Feeling totally overwhelmed and like everything depends on everything else. So I am forcing myself to just take the next action, even though I don't feel like it. That is the definition of greatness: Doing what I said I would do, whether I feel like it or not. What commitment are you not keeping because you don't feel like it. Will you do it anyway?

Judging or Listening?

How can I hear what the other person is saying if I am consumed by thoughts of what is wrong with them or what they are saying? In order to hear him/her, I need to notice when I am judging them negatively, and shift away from those judgments and back to being hungry to hear what they have to say and see the value in it. Who are you judging instead of hearing?

Random acts change history

There are moments where someone decides to act, and that act changes the course of history, affecting millions. These decisions are made by ordinary people, not high officials. For example, a mutual friend introduced Steve Jobs to Steve Wozniak. They founded Apple Computer. If he didn't bother, Apple would not exist! So Apple exists because some random guy decided to act. What act are you not taking that might change the course of history?

Connecting with my teens

The best conversations I ever have with my teen and young adult children is on road trips. When can you next take your teenager on a fun road trip for some high impact connection time?

Where do I get mediation CD's?

Last night I put out a big plug for meditation/centering. The best way
to get started is with guided meditation where a voice takes you through
the process of relaxing and focusing in a meditative way. Here are the
two sources of centering CD's that I use:

- Ross Quinn: http://www.globalkeynote.com/page/page/1916743.htm

- Banny Tyskewicz: http://www.njoythejourney.us/ETJListen.html

Love, Fred.

Centering (meditation) is a daily requirement for me

Centering (meditation) is a critical part of my day, because our mind consists of both an inner and an outer piece. We mostly focus on our outer(conscious) mind. But the source of our creative genius & our ability to love/connect with people come from our inner (subconscious) mind, which is only accessed thru centering. So I center at least 15 minutes every day. Ready to center daily and improve the quality of your life?

Judgment kills love and respect

In many conversations with myself or another, I start judging myself or the other person negatively. That causes resentment. The resentment then replaces the respect or love that I have for that person (or myself). Since judgment leads to loss of love/respect, I need to notice the judgment early and shift back to loving and respecting them (or myself) , even if I am not agreeing with them (or myself) in the moment.

Where are you focusing?

Much of the time we focus on what we have not done, rather than on what we have done. Much of the time we focus on the few places in our life where there is pain or problems, rather than focusing on all the things that are going great. Whenever I notice myself focusing on what's not done, I immediately identify something is done or is working and focus on that. Are there times when you could make that shift as well?

Give me love and then I will give you love?

"And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make." The Beatles. Most of us expect to get love first and then give it in response. But I have found that I have to GIVE love (oftentimes repeatedly with nothing coming back in return), before I start to GET love. Standing in front of a wood stove and saying "Give me heat and I will give you wood" does not work. Who can you give love to first?

Success

Success is caused by getting the job done (whatever the job is), in spite of the obstacles and barriers and negative circumstances that come up. If success depended on there being no negative circumstances (aka "a greased skid") then no one would ever succeed. Life throws issues and problems and uncooperative people and bad luck at us all the time. Our job is to do whatever it takes to accomplish the task in the face of all those challenges.

Language matters

Language matters! How we talk about ourselves, others, and our future. It matters.

Compare:

"I will try hard to do it" to "I will do it."

"I suck at this" to "I have not yet mastered it."

"You are a terrible writer" to "Your writing can be improved and I am here to help you."

How we talk to ourselves and others literally creates the future and defines who we are. What are you creating with your language?

Stupid Idiots

Why is he/she being such an idiot? There is no such thing as irrational behavior. However irrational someone’s behavior looks to you, it is completely rational to them, given the information, thoughts, feelings, beliefs and programs they have at the time they take the action. I do great damage to my relationship with someone when, in a conflict with them, I come from the assumption that they are acting irrationally or stupidly. How do you feel when you are doing something that makes sense to you, and the other person tells you that you are an idiot for behaving that way?

A much better approach is to work as hard as needed to see the world through his/her eyes so that I UNDERSTAND why they are acting the way they are. Only after I have that understanding do I have any chance of finding common ground with them, resolving the conflict, and coming up with a plan that will allow us each to fulfill our goals and objectives. Wouldn't you rather have the result than the judgment? Which “idiot” are you going to seek to understand today?

What about the miserable guy at work?

How do I continue to be a forgiving and loving person to someone that is miserable? I see them as a joyful/playful/hopeful 4 year old. And I interact with their childhood spirit rather than their current negative persona (a pile of layers that they have built up over time). This makes it much easier to treat them with love/kindness, knowing that deeply buried inside them is a joyful and loving 4 year old.

Perseverance & Patience

Perseverance & Patience, is what I am learning. Edison performed 10,000 light bulb filament experiments in a 1.5 year period, before discovering the magical formula (thin carbon in a vacuum). How often have I given up well before 10,000 tries, or 1.5 years? What success or benefit was lost when I did that? My current goals demand patience. What person or project in your life deserves more patience and perseverance?

Focus on the gifts or the flaws?

In a relationship with someone, I can choose to focus on their gifts/strengths, or I can choose to focus on their flaws. I choose to focus on their gifts because that is the secret to creating a great relationship.

In my relationship with myself, I have the same choice. I choose to focus on my gifts, because that uplifts and empowers me, while giving me confidence and self-worth. Whose gifts can you focus more on?

The Hokey-Pokey

What if doing the Hokey-Pokey IS what it's all about? Think about it...

Asking for help or support

Asking for help or support is one of the hardest things in the world for us proud, self-sufficient, independent people to do. And it often is the crucial step we must take, in order to accomplish one of our goals. Think of a challenge you are facing right now, figure out who you should be asking for help or support, and then contact them. Right now. Which is more important--your ego or accomplishing your goal?

I am not in charge of what the other person does

"Lord give me strength to change the things I can, patience to accept the things I cannot, and wisdom to know the difference"... When I have done all I can, to empower someone else to take a certain action, then the outcome is in their hands, and I can accept whatever happens, even if it hurts me, knowing that I am not responsible for their actions, they are. This removes the stress and leaves me at peace, no matter what happens.

What is fear of failure keeping you from doing?

If you knew you could not fail, what would you attempt? Fear of failure is 100 times worse than failure, because it stops us from pursuing our dreams. What path are you not taking because you are afraid to fail? If you took that path, and you failed, what would failure look like? How does the pain of the failure compare to the joy of success? If the joy of success is better than avoiding the pain of failure, then what are you waiting for?

Why are people so mean to those they love?

Why are people mean to those they love? We all have parts of ourselves that we dislike, & we have value that we can't see. When someone that we respect accidentally or intentionally touches those raw spots by invalidating us, we lash out.

How do I handle that? REACT with anger by attacking or running away, or RESPOND with love, no matter what! Its very hard to keep hurting someone who's giving you nothing but love.

How attractive are you?

If you want to be interesting, be interested. I have found that when I show a keen interest in someone (for example wanting to know who they are, what they do for work and for fun, what they believe in, where they are going in their life, etc), they always end up finding me to be interesting. Isn't that interesting? Who can you attract by being interested in them?

Resentment and Forgiveness

Carrying resentment toward someone is like eating rat poison and then waiting for the other person to die. Resentment doesn't hurt the other person. It hurts me. Forgiveness is the key to happiness. Who are you going to forgive and therefore stop resenting today? How much happiness can you stand?

Focus

Focus... Focussing on at most 3 things at a time is really important. About every 30 days or so, I look at where I am focussing my time and energy and ask myself if these are the right places to be focussing. If not, I make an intentional shift.

What are you focusing your energy and time on right now? Is that consistent with your current short-term and long-term goals? If not, then time to shift your focus to the people and actions that are going to lead to the results that you want in life.

Apologizing

Apologizing costs me nothing. And gains me a lot. So why don't I do it often? Because of my pride. I want to feel like I am right, & apologizing means that I am wrong. Which hurts my pride.

But which is more important? My pride/being right, or having great relationships with people I love? The choice is clear: I shall apologize more often now that I know that it improves relationships and costs me nothing.

Riding the horses you have

We often wish that people in our life would behave better, be more competent, or have a better attitude. And sometimes we can upgrade a person. But usually, the people cannot be replaced, and in order to accomplish our goals in life, we need to find a way to work with them and harness their contribution toward our goals. Riding the horse you have is better than standing still, wishing that you had a better horse.

Shock and Disappointment...

Disappointment... Pouring my time, energy and heart into a deal I believed in, and at the last minute, it falls through... The urge to get angry, second guess myself, beat myself up, lay blame, run away, & pretend I didn't care... Then, it hits me: I did my best. The other guy did his best. All my negative reactions are a further waste of energy. Time to be OK with what is. Calmness comes over me...

Finding goodness when others are criticizing

A man I talked with yesterday told me all about his selfish and mean jerk of a roommate who is his girlfriend's sister's fiance, and how everyone in the family hates him. I said this is a great opportunity for him to see the good in the man, & work hard to find out why his girlfriend's sister fell in love with him, & what good she sees in him. He said he would! Cool! Difference made. Who are you judging negatively, instead of searching for their goodness?

Is it right to lower expectations?

Well if one of my options is to lower my expectations to achieve happiness/positivity, isn't that wrong? Isn't it right to always have high expectations? There is no right or wrong answer to that. It is just a choice. If you choose high standards, that will sometimes pull yourself and others up. It will often lead to frustration, resentment and sadness. Choosing to reduce or eliminate your expectation may lead to complacency, but it will also lead to happpiness. Each situation presents us with a choice. Are you making those choices automatically/reactively, or by intentional choice, based on what will lead to the desired outcome?

Expectations are the source of all negativity

The basis for every single negative thought you have ever had is an unfulfilled expectation. Think about that, and see if you can see how that directly applies to the times you have been angry, disappointed, or ashamed.

And we are in charge of our expectations. We choose them. Most people don’t realize that. Every time you have a negative thought, you have three choices: (1) Lower your expectations, (2) find a way to empower yourself or the other person to meet your expectation, or (3) change the circumstances or person (get divorced, quit the job, fire the employee, stop talking to the sibling or child, cancel the friendship).

Those are the only 3 choices. Are you making the choices consciously and intentionally? Or are those choices getting made automatically, sometimes with bad outcomes?

Leadership by the young is often needed

Oftentimes we watch older or more experienced people at home or at work self-destruct or engage in detrimental actions or severe conflict, thinking there is nothing we can do about it. But usually, in those situations, the youngest and junior-most person needs to step up and take leadership by helping his/her elders to get out of their own way in order to resolve the conflict and/or accomplish the team's objective. Where are you holding back because you are young or less experienced?

The key to happiness...

The key to happiness is staying calm, no matter what craziness is around you, just by taking 5 really deep breaths before saying or doing anything. So many times I have wanted to yell, run away, not careor pretend. Then I take 5 deep breaths, get back in touch with who I am & what I want, which causes me to do or say something very different than what I my first reaction was going to be. Try it. You will like it.

Success is what you make out of what you got

It is not what you have. It is what you make out of what you have. I went to high school with this brother and sister. The brother was wicked smart and super lazy. The sister was average intelligence but very hardworking and dedicated. I have kept in touch with both of them. The brother works at a convenience store, and the sister earned her PhD in AstroPhysics, was in NASA’s astronaut training program, and now teaches science at one of the best high schools in the state of New York. What can you make for yourself out of what you have?

I am not in charge of my children's actions

We are not in charge of who our children fall in love with. We are also not in charge of what our children do to/with their bodies (tattoos, piercings, lack of exercise, overeating, risk taking, etc). In fact, come to think of it, we are not in charge of our adult children at all. So much of the conflict, tension, resentment and estrangement between parents and children is caused by us parents negatively judging the actions of our kids. I am making a concerted effort to avoid doing that, by accepting the actions of my kids, whether or not I approve of them. How about you?

Happiness

The key to happiness is not having what you want. Rather, it is wanting what you have. Pick an area of your life that you wish was different or that you don’t like, or a person that is giving you trouble, and find a way to celebrate its or their greatness. Find the value in it/him/her. Happiness results from intentionally being happy with the way things are.

Connecting with each and every person

How many people do you contact in a day that you do not make a connection with. The person at the gas station. The cashier at the grocery store. The bank teller. I have recently started focusing on making eye contact with each and every person, smiling, connecting, and saying something appreciative like “Thank you for being here today to accept my deposit.” Or “thank you for the quick and accurate checkout work.” Who is willing to do this with me?

Happy Anniversary Beth!

Dear Beth: 23 years of great memories... 23 years of loving eachother even when we didn't want to :-)... 23 years of profoundly impacting the world... 23 years of being there for eachother no matter what the situation... 23 years of raising great kids... 23 years of creating joy in our world together, no matter the ci...rcumstances... 23 years of loving eachother. That is the most important thing... Love ALWAYS, Fred.

Chosen perspective drives happiness

A man I know just had his house, all 5 pets & his lifetime of archeological research, memoirs and keepsakes all destroyed in a house fire 4 weeks ago. I asked him how he could be so OK about it. He said "If I had been in the house I would have died, so I am choosing to celebrate my continued life, instead of mourning the loss of all my stuff." Our happiness really does all come down to the perspective we choose

Importance of Natural Consequences

So often we step in and prevent a loved one from experiencing the natural consequences of their actions. Out of love, we continue to enable behaviors that are clearly doing damage to themselves and others. And in the process, we rob them of the natural feedback that comes from experiencing the consequences of their poor choices. Who are you enabling, covering for, and not allowing to experience the results of their choices and actions?

Making The First Move

People often ask: Why do I always have to be the one to bridge the communication gap? Why do I always have to be the one that apologizes first? That answer is: Because you can, and because by doing so, you contribute to happiness, and both yourself and the other person accomplishing their goals. My goal is to always be the one to rapidly catch myself being resentful or angry or uncommunicative and make the shift first. Whose apology are you waiting for? Who needs you to reach out first?

The cost of being judgmental

So many times my negative judgment of someone gets in the way of accomplishing my desired result. In other words, I often subconsciously make my complaints about someone more important than finding a way to work with them so that both their needs and mine are met. I am getting better at this. Are you?

Listening To My Body

I am much healthier since I started listening to my body. Today my body said “Must sleep.” So I slept until noon, and felt better than I have felt in weeks. Then my body said “No computer work today”. So I did yard work & played with Tyler. I could have worked. But after working hard for 14 days, my body said “more sleep, no work”. And I am glad I listened. What is your body telling you that you are ignoring?

Getting their input really matters

Each of us wants to be heard. We want to know that our opinions & ideas matter. The key to inspiring people is to make sure that they are heard, their input is solicited, & their voice matters. When I neglect this with someone, their motivation & engagement drops. They may disengage or leave. This is true at home and at work. Whose input are you ignoring? Whose input & ideas are you going to ask for right now?

Happiness

"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciatingwhat we do have."
~ Fredrick Koeing.

Make a list of 10 things you appreciate in your life right now, and you will be amazed at how much happier you instantly feel.

People are triggerable

People are triggerable. We just are. So when someone that I work with or care about does something that is makes me sad or makes me mad, or is a big shock, I have learned that the first step is to find out what triggered them to act the way they are acting: Starting with the assumption that they do not mean to harm me or us or our project, and then looking for the trigger. I do that by asking them probing questions about what has happened recently, and what their underlying not-yet-spoken concerns might be. Once the trigger is known, the real issue can be addressed and resolved, usually to the satisfaction of the other person and myself. The results are extraordinary.

Being "in love" is a choice

People often talk about “being in love”. They ask questions like “AM I in love?”, “he/she IS in love with me”, etc. What I have learned is that being in love is a choice that we make. Sure there are attractions that come into play. But there is no outside factor that determines whether or not we are in love. It is up to us. And it is a choice. So the next time you are wondering whether you are in love with someone, consider the possibility that you can choose to be in love with that person or not. Who are you choosing to be in love with? Who could you choose to be in love with?

Thankful Instead of Cranky

We so often focus on the small things that are wrong, while missing the major things that are going incredibly right. This video clip has some funny but poignant examples of what I am talking about: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8r1CZTLk-Gk . What amazing thing are you finding a way to complain about or find fault with? Are you ready to focus on how great it is, rather than some minor problem with it?

Arrogance

Arrogance kills. When I am arrogant, there is no room for the people around me to be great, people I care about feel small, and creativity is stifled. So I have set an “arrogance alarm” for myself. When I find myself judging someone as inferior, I catch myself and stop, choosing to shift to seeing the good & the value in the person, rather than the flaws. Who are you being arrogant with? Are you willing to shift?

Staying Young At Heart

You know how old people often complain about “things these days, and how it was much better, or much tougher, or much poorer, or whatever ‘back in my day’ “? Well I caught myself doing that with Dave on the phone, as I was lamenting the large cost that Tyler paid for his prom expenses (tux+prom tickets+corsage+limo>$200), and talking about how screwed up things are today that kids pay that kind of money, when they can have just as good a time like I did if they just wear their normal suit and drive their own car to the prom.

And then all of a sudden it hit me like a ton of bricks: What causes people to age mentally and make themselves irrelevant to the next generation is negative judgment of the present, based on comparing the present to the past! Oh My God. This is big folks… When we humans get to about 40 or 45 years old, we often start comparing what is happening now or what our kids are doing to how things were when we were younger, or what we did as kids or young adults. It is just natural for humans to do that. And it kills us! It kills us because it drives us into a negative judgmental assessment of the present, and distances us from our kids and from other people who are living quite happily in the present. We end up living the past, by virtue of our constant comparisons to the past.

So I am declaring, right here and right now, in front of all of you, that I am not going to do that. I am going to avoid comparing and judging now with the past. Talking about the past and sharing facts about the past is useful and interesting, so I will keep doing that. But I will NOT be declaring the present to be somehow inferior or screwed up because of my past experience. And as a result, I will stay young at heart forever. And I am going to share this insight with many people, because I believe everyone who is 45 years or older has a major tendency to do this, so if I can stop people from doing it, then many others will stay young at heart forever as well.

And here is what I will be doing instead of judging now based on then… I shall celebrate the new way that things are done now. And I shall celebrate the joy that I see in people living life the way it is lived now. Celebrate how cell phones ring everyone now because that is people being connected and in touch in ways that were never possible before. Celebrate $200 proms because the kids are having fun, and the $200 includes a save limo ride so that the kids don’t kill themselves driving home from the prom like they used to. Celebrate video games because of the joy they bring to the people that play them and because they have led to hand-eye coordination in the next generation that is unprecedented. You get the idea.

I cannot believe that all of a sudden, out of the blue, I realized the secret to staying young at heart. And it is something that each of us can easily and ongoingly do. Because all that is needed is self-monitoring and to shift out of past-based judgment whenever we detect we are doing it.

Self-Forgiveness

Sometimes I am really hard on myself: Not living up to my standards, beating myself up when I come up short, etc. My guess is that you are often really hard on yourself as well.

I have formed the habit of forgiving myself right away as soon as I catch myself getting down on myself, which has led to much greater sense of peace/happiness. Are you ready to start intentionally forgiving yourself? What is the first thing that you will be forgiving yourself for?

Am I having a good life?

How do you know if you are having a good life? Ask friends? Nope. Decide for yourself. Why not empower yourself by deciding that you have a good life? Why would you declare your life to be unsatisfying? It makes no sense. Yet many of us do that. I look at my life and choose to see all the wonderful things about it, and conclude that I am living a charmed life. What kind of declaration about your life are you making?

What is your intention?

When I have an intention for the day, or an intention for a meeting or a conversation, it dramatically increases the chances of success. You have to know what you want in order to get it. And committing to what you want makes you more likely to get it. What is your intention for today? What is your intention (or desired outcome) for the next conversation that you are going to have?

Awesome or depressing? (It's all relative)

Today it snowed in Rochester. Most people were really sad/upset. I thought it was beautiful. Everything is so relative. When it looks like it did this morning and it is November, everyone is wild with excitement about the first snow. But now that it is Spring and we are sick of winter, that same snow storm causes us to be depressed. What are you looking at in a negative light that could be shifted just by what you are comparing it to?

Pain or Joy?

Given negative circumstances, I can choose to find opportunity/joy, or I can choose to consider it torture, and suffer as much as possible. In life there will always be pain. I have the opportunity to focus on what doesn’t hurt and what results are occurring. Or I can focus on the pain. My choice. Where are you choosing to focus on the pain when you could be focusing on the opportunity of the situation?

Paddling with or against the strong current?

My life is headed in a certain direction. Often I fight that direction by resisting what needs to be done, or actively doing the opposite of what is needed. Like paddling upstream in a swift-running river, it slows down the achievement of my goal and exhausts me. I can see ways that I have been doing that lately. In what area of your life are you resisting the obvious direction your life is headed?

Making stuff happen

1% of the people have 99% of the influence/power. I need to figure out who the 1%ers are, connect with them and get their support. Which 1%er can you identify and get support from?

Getting what you want

If you do not ask for what you want, you have zero chance of getting it.

Debunking the myth of "You hurt me"

If someone says something hurtful to me, I am in charge of whether or not I allow it to hurt. If I allow it to hurt me, then I have handed over my power to that person. We humans do this automatically in many cases, and it usually generates negative thoughts and feelings. It is so important for me to stay in charge of my thoughts, feelings and actions, by avoiding handing control of them over to other people.

Serendipity causes most success

Life is full of accidental connections that end up being watershed events. Last Fall I emailed a very talented engineer that was recommended to me. He did not answer. 2 weeks ago I accidentally came across his name and emailed him again. As a result we got the key engineer we have needed for 6 months. So you never... know what action is going to achieve your goal. So be nice to everyone and take lots of action!

Opportunity

When things look bleakest is when there is the most opportunity.

It all starts with Self-Love

If I don’t love and value myself, then I become dependent on others for that, which leads to major problems, because if I need someone’s love to be whole, then if they leave or threaten to leave, I am incomplete/damaged, causing me to force the other person to keep loving me. So for my own mental health, I need to love and value myself. That allows me to accept the love from others as a bonus, rather than a need.

Creating joy even when doing crappy tasks

I can create joy in the most miserable of tasks. If I have committed to a task, or an objective that I am committed to requires that I do a yucky task to accomplish the larger goal, then I am going to do the task. The only question is whether I am going to do it with enthusiasm/joy or reluctance/negativity. I am choosing enthusiasm and joy. What task are you hating, that you could decide to be joyful about?

Peace and Happiness

What robs us of our peace and happiness are the little things: Criticism, traffic, annoying people, politics at work, getting rained on, & rental car counters that close early (yes this happened to me tonight). But we decide how we view the situation and how we respond. I found National still open with cars, because I was able to stay calm and look for plan B. What small things are you allowing to ruin your peace and happiness?

Help from my network

You never know who can help you meet your objectives. I met with a guy today about one of my objectives, and found out he can help me a lot with my other main objective. Who are you going to add to your network today?

Intuition according to Einstein

Building on yesterday's post: “The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift.” ~Albert Einstein~

Intuition

I have intuition. And I know how to use it. So do you. We all do. But intuitive information only comes out when I take at least 15-20 minutes to calm my hyperactive analytical brain, so my intuition can whisper to me & I will be able to hear it. Sit in silence for 20 minutes while focussing on breathing deeply and you will be amazed at what comes to you. Try it, you like it. I promise.

Disappointment and Happiness

Sometimes life is disappointing. In those situations, I have a choice: Make changes and take my life in a new direction. Or find a way to notice and celebrate the good things that are happening, while ignoring the bad. My circumstances do not need to dictate whether or not I am happy. I am in charge of my happiness.

Parenting Challenges

I finally figured it out… The reason why parenting is so challenging is because we have to watch our kids overcome the issues that they inherited from us. I gave our kids so many great things. And I also gave them ridiculously high self-standards, perfectionism, and workaholism. And now I get to watch them overcome those issues, just like I had to overcome them.

Enthusiasm Is Inspiring

My math club geniuses (geek squad) continue to blow me away with how excited they are about math. There is nothing more inspiring that a group of kids hungry to learn something. It is a model that we adults can follow. When was the last time you jumped for joy or shouted with glee about something new that you learned? Spend the next hour in 4 year old mode. You will be amazed.

Peace: The Art of Allowing and Letting Go

This weekend I realized a great sense of peace from noticing that I am OK with however my life turns out, and that just the act of doing what feels good to me, acting on my dreams and visions for the world, and touching positively the people I come into contact with, is all that I need. The future will be fine no matter what it holds.

I think I might actually be starting to get a sense of what is meant by the Law of Attractions’s “The Art of Allowing” and “The Are of Letting Go”. I don’t need to be stressed about Kachingle's future. Or where I will be in 5 years. It will be what it will be. There is so much freedom and peace in just being my great and contributing self right now, in the moment.

Transforming relationships, at home and at work

What if you based your actions & words in every relationship based only on the benefits/purpose of the relationship, while intentionally ignoring all the things about the other person that annoy, frustrate and bother you?

What if you focused only on the other person’s strengths, gifts, looking past their flaws, to transform a challenging relationship? Got a relationship you want to transform?

Path to Enlightenment

You know you are enlightened when flattery stops making you happy and criticism stops making you defensive.

I am making major progress on this. Are you ready to give up your addiction to compliments and your defensiveness when criticized? I am!

Happiness

I am in completely in charge of my own happiness. I can find joy in anything, if that is my commitment. And I can find problems, issues and negativity in anything, if I allow myself. I choose to find a way to find joy in everything. That sometimes takes some ruthless support from my friends, which I welcome openly. :-) In what area of your life can you shift to creating joy?

Leaders take action no matter what

A leader is someone who takes action towards their goal even when they don’t feel like it or they don’t want to. I am such a leader. What action are you avoiding, which if you took that action would move you closer to one of your goals?

Feedback

The universe is my coach. Everything that happens to me both good and bad is invaluable feedback which, if I stay out of defensiveness and treat it as feedback, will help me to rapidly grow rapidly and to adjust my actions so that I achieve all that I intend to achieve, both personally and professionally.

Resentment

Resentment is like eating rat poison and then waiting for the other person to die. Who are you resenting and how much longer will you continue to eat the poison?

The power of declaration

Sometimes the only thing that keeps me working on a future that almost no one else sees yet is my own ability to declare how the future is going to be, and then living into that future, and convincing other people to live into that future as well.

Declaration versus fear

All major progress and the success of all startup companies depends upon leaders like me taking a stand for their success, in the face of my fear. There is huge power in publicly declaring how the future is going to look, and then taking action based on that declaration rather than on my fears.

Effectiveness

Would you rather be right or effective? In any situation, you can only have one or the other. People so often choose to be right (blame others, steal credit, make excuses, say “I told you so”, etc) rather than accomplish their desired result? Where in your life right now are you being right at the expense of accomplishing something that is important to you?

What messages are you sending?

When it comes to work and personal relationships, reality is 9/10 perception. The way I am seeing someone is how they will appear. What I expect from someone is what I will get. The messages I am sending determine the message I will receive back. People respond directly to the vibes I am giving off. Who in your life could use a shift in what you are sending them?

Return on Investment: A relationship no-no

People so often make the mistake of looking at romance as an investment with a return: "I put so much into this relationship, and I get nothing in return". As a businessman I love returns on investment. But looking at ROI in a relationship dooms the relationship, everytime. Forget the return. Love yourself and the other person and be happy about that. What they do is up to them and if it benefits you it is a bonus.

Deep Breaths

Taking deep breaths whenever I am stressed or about to overreact calms me down and makes me much more effective with the people around me.

Patience...

When I am faced with having to do something that bugs me, patience is the key. “Lord please grant me patience, and grant it to me NOW!” But I know that patience is not granted. It is generated by me taking a stand that I am not going to get angry or frustrated, and I am going to stay effective, no matter what. Where in your life could you be bringing some more patience?

More Parenting

The degree to which our kids will trust us with their inner thoughts and mistakes is determined by how willing we are to avoid reacting and stay calm when they share controversial or bad things with us.

Parenting

Parenting cannot be planned nor can it be scheduled. It is opportunistic, and happens in-the-moment, as situations arise and my kids are open to coaching. Opportunities come up in realtime, and I have to be there in order to capitalize on them.

Time Management

I am in charge of my time. At the end of each day, I spent the time exactly the way I chose to. Sometimes a big decision I made (like which job to take) drives how my time gets spent. In other cases, I make conscious/unconscious choices throughout my day that determine how my time is spent. Who are you blaming for your time allocation, and are you willing to take responsibility for it instead? There is power in that.

Being heard is the key

Before someone will follow my coaching or my correction, they need to know that I heard their issue. Listen first. Talk Second.

Help them by letting them help you

Today I let my son coach me on improving my skiing technique. It lit him up and it lit me up! The best way for me to empower someone is to let them empower me. The most important thing to most people is to feel useful and see that they are contributing to others. So if I want to give to someone I care about, the best thing I can do is to let them give to me. Who can you allow to help or empower you today?

Being joyfully alive is a contact sport

My perception determines whether a situation is negative or merely a challenge. Being joyfully alive ain't for sissies. It can be hard. If it wasn't, everyone would do it...

Being there for people I care about

Being there for someone is one of the best feelings in the world. And having people know they can call me and get active listening and powerful support and coaching makes my life so meaningful.

When Something Bad Happens

When something bad happens, staying calm and responding based on the facts and the goals rather than reacting based on emotion is the key.

Resist or Improve?

When someone tells me something I don’t want to hear, I have two choices: Get defensive and fight back, or look hard for the value and usefulness in what they are saying, and then make improvements. I choose feedback and improvement. What feedback are you missing out on?

Goals versus Circumstances

I need to focus on my goal and not the challenging circumstances. There will always be circumstances in the way of my goal. It is my job to achieve the goal in spite of the circumstance. I can only do that if I stay focused on the goal and the value of achieving it, to myself and many others.

Expectations

Some days I just don’t live up to the expectations placed on me by myself and others. On those days, I love and accept myself anyway.

What gets me up in the morning now

Life for me is no longer about meeting my own wants and needs. I have a much bigger purpose now: Profoundly and positively impacting the lives of as many people as possible. That is what gets me up in the morning these days.

Being Right vs Being Effective

In any situation, I can be right, or I can be effective. Usually I can only have one of the two. I choose to be effective, at the expense my righteousness, my ego, and my arrogance. Because that is what leads to peace and happiness, for me and for the other people who are involved.

Conflict

In a conflict, if at least one person stays calm, listen to the other person/people, and operate based on what is best for everyone, then the outcome will almost always be positive. If no one takes that calm approach, the conflict will almost always spin out of control and damage will occur. I know that it is my job to do whatever it takes to be the calm one in every conflict.

Context

Thought for the day: Context is everything. How I look at a project determines how much I value it, what attitude I will have towards it, and ultimately the success or failure of the project. It just comes down to how I choose to view it.

Forgiveness and Celebration

Some days I do not spend my time the way I intended to. I can either beat myself up about it, or forgive myself and celebrate whatever I accomplished doing the things that I did spend my time on. I choose to forgive myself and celebrate. What have you done lately that you could forgive yourself for and celebrate?

Patience...

When I am patient, good things occur. When I am impatient or get frustrated, damage occurs. Where in your life can you be more patient, and get better results?

Focus

Focus is key. I cannot do 20 things well. And neither can anyone else at my company. Each of us needs to do the right 5 things. How many things are you trying to do right now?

What if?

What if what we focus on in our thinking does affect the actual physical world? What if we are all connected to some kind of cosmic network, and so each person’s thinking affects the thinking of others? What if there is an invisible energy field that all objects are part of, which is affected by our thoughts? What if we really are COMPLETELY in charge of our lives here on earth? What if?

Our biggest growth opportunities

Sometimes life hits us over the head in order to get our attention. Most of our major personal, professional, and spiritual growth occurs as a result of taking full advantage of the guidance we get in those moments.

The power of being outdoors

There is something really centering and calming about being outside. Most of us, myself included, do not spend nearly enough time outside. Spend an hour or two outdoors this weekend, even if it is cold. I just did.

Extending life and increasing energy levels

Most of us do something that is harmful to ourselves physically. It might be lack of exercise. Or bad diet. Or smoking. Or excessive alcohol consumption. And that saps our energy and takes years off our life. I am cutting out high-carb foods so that I can lose my gut. What improvement are you going to make in the way you treat your body this year?

Anger and Frustration

Today’s thought: When I am frustrated or angry at someone and I want to get back at them in some way or blow them off, I focus on my goals and the goals of the team I am on, and then take the action that will best lead to the achievement of my/our goals. That action is usually not the one that my angry and frustrated self wants to take. But it is the one that will move things forward.

Turning negative feedback into gold

Today’s thought: Complaints about me and negative feedback that I receive are my most profound opportunities to improve myself. The key is for me to look at them as coaching, which I do. What negative feedback have you received recently that you could turn into an improvement in yourself?

People do things for their reasons, not mine.

After taking a much-needed 2 week break from structure and discipline, I am restarting my "Today's Thought" program.

Today’s thought: People do things for their reasons, not mine. The key for me is to be constantly discovering what their reasons are, and aligning myself as much as possible with them. Whose reasons do you need to discover?