Chosen perspective drives happiness

A man I know just had his house, all 5 pets & his lifetime of archeological research, memoirs and keepsakes all destroyed in a house fire 4 weeks ago. I asked him how he could be so OK about it. He said "If I had been in the house I would have died, so I am choosing to celebrate my continued life, instead of mourning the loss of all my stuff." Our happiness really does all come down to the perspective we choose

Importance of Natural Consequences

So often we step in and prevent a loved one from experiencing the natural consequences of their actions. Out of love, we continue to enable behaviors that are clearly doing damage to themselves and others. And in the process, we rob them of the natural feedback that comes from experiencing the consequences of their poor choices. Who are you enabling, covering for, and not allowing to experience the results of their choices and actions?

Making The First Move

People often ask: Why do I always have to be the one to bridge the communication gap? Why do I always have to be the one that apologizes first? That answer is: Because you can, and because by doing so, you contribute to happiness, and both yourself and the other person accomplishing their goals. My goal is to always be the one to rapidly catch myself being resentful or angry or uncommunicative and make the shift first. Whose apology are you waiting for? Who needs you to reach out first?

The cost of being judgmental

So many times my negative judgment of someone gets in the way of accomplishing my desired result. In other words, I often subconsciously make my complaints about someone more important than finding a way to work with them so that both their needs and mine are met. I am getting better at this. Are you?

Listening To My Body

I am much healthier since I started listening to my body. Today my body said “Must sleep.” So I slept until noon, and felt better than I have felt in weeks. Then my body said “No computer work today”. So I did yard work & played with Tyler. I could have worked. But after working hard for 14 days, my body said “more sleep, no work”. And I am glad I listened. What is your body telling you that you are ignoring?

Getting their input really matters

Each of us wants to be heard. We want to know that our opinions & ideas matter. The key to inspiring people is to make sure that they are heard, their input is solicited, & their voice matters. When I neglect this with someone, their motivation & engagement drops. They may disengage or leave. This is true at home and at work. Whose input are you ignoring? Whose input & ideas are you going to ask for right now?

Happiness

"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciatingwhat we do have."
~ Fredrick Koeing.

Make a list of 10 things you appreciate in your life right now, and you will be amazed at how much happier you instantly feel.

People are triggerable

People are triggerable. We just are. So when someone that I work with or care about does something that is makes me sad or makes me mad, or is a big shock, I have learned that the first step is to find out what triggered them to act the way they are acting: Starting with the assumption that they do not mean to harm me or us or our project, and then looking for the trigger. I do that by asking them probing questions about what has happened recently, and what their underlying not-yet-spoken concerns might be. Once the trigger is known, the real issue can be addressed and resolved, usually to the satisfaction of the other person and myself. The results are extraordinary.

Being "in love" is a choice

People often talk about “being in love”. They ask questions like “AM I in love?”, “he/she IS in love with me”, etc. What I have learned is that being in love is a choice that we make. Sure there are attractions that come into play. But there is no outside factor that determines whether or not we are in love. It is up to us. And it is a choice. So the next time you are wondering whether you are in love with someone, consider the possibility that you can choose to be in love with that person or not. Who are you choosing to be in love with? Who could you choose to be in love with?

Thankful Instead of Cranky

We so often focus on the small things that are wrong, while missing the major things that are going incredibly right. This video clip has some funny but poignant examples of what I am talking about: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8r1CZTLk-Gk . What amazing thing are you finding a way to complain about or find fault with? Are you ready to focus on how great it is, rather than some minor problem with it?

Arrogance

Arrogance kills. When I am arrogant, there is no room for the people around me to be great, people I care about feel small, and creativity is stifled. So I have set an “arrogance alarm” for myself. When I find myself judging someone as inferior, I catch myself and stop, choosing to shift to seeing the good & the value in the person, rather than the flaws. Who are you being arrogant with? Are you willing to shift?

Staying Young At Heart

You know how old people often complain about “things these days, and how it was much better, or much tougher, or much poorer, or whatever ‘back in my day’ “? Well I caught myself doing that with Dave on the phone, as I was lamenting the large cost that Tyler paid for his prom expenses (tux+prom tickets+corsage+limo>$200), and talking about how screwed up things are today that kids pay that kind of money, when they can have just as good a time like I did if they just wear their normal suit and drive their own car to the prom.

And then all of a sudden it hit me like a ton of bricks: What causes people to age mentally and make themselves irrelevant to the next generation is negative judgment of the present, based on comparing the present to the past! Oh My God. This is big folks… When we humans get to about 40 or 45 years old, we often start comparing what is happening now or what our kids are doing to how things were when we were younger, or what we did as kids or young adults. It is just natural for humans to do that. And it kills us! It kills us because it drives us into a negative judgmental assessment of the present, and distances us from our kids and from other people who are living quite happily in the present. We end up living the past, by virtue of our constant comparisons to the past.

So I am declaring, right here and right now, in front of all of you, that I am not going to do that. I am going to avoid comparing and judging now with the past. Talking about the past and sharing facts about the past is useful and interesting, so I will keep doing that. But I will NOT be declaring the present to be somehow inferior or screwed up because of my past experience. And as a result, I will stay young at heart forever. And I am going to share this insight with many people, because I believe everyone who is 45 years or older has a major tendency to do this, so if I can stop people from doing it, then many others will stay young at heart forever as well.

And here is what I will be doing instead of judging now based on then… I shall celebrate the new way that things are done now. And I shall celebrate the joy that I see in people living life the way it is lived now. Celebrate how cell phones ring everyone now because that is people being connected and in touch in ways that were never possible before. Celebrate $200 proms because the kids are having fun, and the $200 includes a save limo ride so that the kids don’t kill themselves driving home from the prom like they used to. Celebrate video games because of the joy they bring to the people that play them and because they have led to hand-eye coordination in the next generation that is unprecedented. You get the idea.

I cannot believe that all of a sudden, out of the blue, I realized the secret to staying young at heart. And it is something that each of us can easily and ongoingly do. Because all that is needed is self-monitoring and to shift out of past-based judgment whenever we detect we are doing it.

Self-Forgiveness

Sometimes I am really hard on myself: Not living up to my standards, beating myself up when I come up short, etc. My guess is that you are often really hard on yourself as well.

I have formed the habit of forgiving myself right away as soon as I catch myself getting down on myself, which has led to much greater sense of peace/happiness. Are you ready to start intentionally forgiving yourself? What is the first thing that you will be forgiving yourself for?